Before school started, unlike most other students who would groan at the very thought of the summer ending, I was actually excited (but nervous at the same time.) I mean, as I stated previously, I could finally be productive and see my friends again, as well as kind of reorganizing myself and not wasting as much time as I did in the summer. I was anticipating the beginning of the school year.
But now that school is back in session, I realized just how “nope” those hopes were.
In turns out that I had forgotten that I’m a total mess when it comes to certain social situations, specifically first and second periods. During first period I never had the courage to raise my hand for even simple “raise your hand if you ____” questions, and I was just… existing in the class, rather than being in an actual participating member. In second period, my phone got a notification on full volume (curse you, WordPress app!), inciting the glances of others, today I forgot to do this contact information sheet, and in general I just acted strange and (I hate this word) awkward. Thank god I have a very cool and friendly teacher, so hopefully she’ll put up with me.
But throughout these dark periods of mine I realized two things, one of them being that I’m way too dependent on others. Whenever I’m alone in the mornings or so, I hide out of plain view and/or mindlessly walk from corner to corner of the quad just like “what am I supposed to do?” It’s only when I spot one of my close friends when I snap out of my mindless trance and release the inner, weird Andre. I am surprised that my friends haven’t completely abandoned me due to my clinginess.
The other thing I realized is that during situations like above, where my best friends are nowhere to be found, or I just feel really uncomfortable, I put on this antisocial, stoic facade that makes me unapproachable to everyone. While putting on that persona, I pay less attention, I’m distant, and just out of it (yes, I know that those all are similar in meaning.)
But to break that shell of mine, (wow this is basically the exact same thing as the other reason above, I’m sorry) I need a person easy to talk to/engaging at my side. This allows me to release the inner weird Andre – I must feel comfortable. Basically, antisocial Andre = I feel uncomfortable, and crazy Andre = I’m comfortable around you.
And slightly drifting from that topic, I still don’t know why I’m even in Drama when I’m too nervous to volunteer for a simple acting practice game-thing. Since I auditioned and got into Drama, I should be super okay with performing (lying, in this case) in front of other people. But nope, I’m too shy. I don’t feel right speaking or performing for a crowd (speaking especially, since for some reason I’m horrible at translating thoughts into verbal words). *sigh* I really hope I can get used to it, so I don’t make a fool of myself on stage when the time comes.
TL;DR my first two days of school weren’t that great, but it wasn’t completely horrible.